Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
