Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
honey bunches of taint.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
