I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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