Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
