I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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