I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
