We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
