my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
