I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize