It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
