youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
