it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
