i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
