My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize