she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
