my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
