I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
