can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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