whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
