Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You are the jesus of drinking
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
