Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
