They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
