i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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