i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
