i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I deserve this hangover.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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