i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
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