I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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