smell my finger.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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