i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
