I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
