Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
