I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize