so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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