if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
