Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
