she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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