Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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