Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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