remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
