he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize