My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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