You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the liver wants what the liver wants
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
