Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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