You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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