Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
