Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
