I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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