You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
