I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize