i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
