I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
