Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
a search helicopter?!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
