grandma shit on top of the toilet
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
