i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
