We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm too high and old for this...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
