I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
