i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
