At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
the liver wants what the liver wants
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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