so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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