I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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