i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
