she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I will pee on everything he values.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
