i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
