I wanna passion pit in your ass
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
