Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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