My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
