he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
