She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
