i need an iv and a liver transplant
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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