I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
