Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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