i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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