I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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