im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
