the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
