I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
