This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
