I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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